Friday, February 18, 2011

the break up of routine.. constantly

I do these little anti-alcohol benders
..the last one just went down in flames...
I need my vices and my "change up" in routine

I've been this way my whole life, I hope with recognizing it
I can find a way to embrace how I am and quit punishing myself

I am not built for routine.. in months, weeks
down to days. I can't live in the same head all the time
I need things to break up all these overwhelming thoughts and ideas

I can't take it

I have my things

*too much coffee every day
*cut out sugar and any extras in the coffee
*take a nap
*too much alcohol
*quit for awhile
*go back to tasty sugar and stuff in coffee
*start over
*feel good
*mix it all up.. constantly
*over think

they aren't that big of a deal..
not very dangerous things to have as habits

I need things to take me out of my mind
my thoughts drive me crazy sometimes
especially... the hard to turn "off" switch part of it

how can a person live inside their own head?
every single day

there is no definition of sane..
there isn't a static case that we can all compare ourselves to
everyone is living in levels of what we think is sanity

no one knows really what this life is..
no one really has a clue of what is going on.

we could all be living in someone's dream right now

no one knows
(whoops, this just got real abstact... fuck it, it's the truth)

I know I go crazy

I know I need a break up of my routine to deal with life

I'm human.. we all are
I'm not perfect.. and I don't want to be

sometimes I let things go in a beautiful way..
it would be so great to maintain that and have an even keel

I know that's not possible
I know all of this is part of the experience of living
I just need to accept certain things that I need
especially when I get down on myself for needing them

I'm going to work on accepting my level of crazy..
just a little bit more
more embracing, less rejecting
because most the time, I'm having a fucking blast

hopefully, this doesn't just sound like some insane rant
(maybe it is.. who cares? fuck it)
(if it comes off as an insane rant to you... just ignore)
(I don't feel like getting locked up in an asylum)
(I used up all the parenthesis on the internet, deal with it)
(ha, you love it)

it's all just digital words in cyberspace
it can mean as much or as little as anyone wants it to mean


Tib said...

Amen to all that you said. This world is so fucked up... and since no one really knows what it's like in the end (except Owen Meany)... well shouldn't we just be trying to make the most of it, the best we can- which some days is easier then others? and if do mess up and fall down... well we weren't the first ones and we won't be the last ones.

Hang in there and keep up the good fight!

starheadboy said...

I usually live for all the light in life, but I can't deny the dark times.. all the confusion and traps.

most the time.. I just question what is even really real..

is death just an illusion
is life just an illusion

no one really has any idea what is going on.
it's best to make the best of it